Common and probably unreasonable reactions to deafness

"She says 'Speak up' and then, when I do, she says 'No need to shout!"

The trouble here is that the deaf person has probably never analysed her own needs in order to communicate them meaningfully.

She probably doesn't mean "Speak up", but "Speak more clearly and possibly a bit more loudly". Then, when the speaker makes the common mistake of shouting, her, "No need to shout" probably means, "There's no need to sound so aggressive about it!".

The solution is for both individuals to read the pages on hearing problems starting with the one on loudness and to work out how to explain their needs calmly and unemotionally. The person doing the 'shouting' probably does need to speak more loudly, but the chances are that they will also need many of the other strategies on the page about helping interaction.

If you would like to add to any of these suggestions, please contact me.

"He can always hear when he wants to. He just doesn't concentrate."

It may of course be that deaf people don't always concentrate. It can be very tiring for them particularly, particularly when people aren't speaking clearly and there is background noise. It can of course also be very annoying for friends and family who are either uncertain whether or not the deaf person has heard something or have to keep repeating things. Then, when in a quiet room, someone with a clear voice does say something that the deaf person can hear, it is all too easy to blame him for not hearing on other occasions. It is difficult for people with normal hearing to understand the problem. So a good way forward is for everyone concerned to read the pages on hearing problems and then have a frank discussion when feelings are calm about how to proceed.

"She doesn't properly adjust, or use, or persist with, her hearing aid."

Digital hearing aids can be wonderful if (a) they are properly set up (which may take a number of return visits to the suppliers) and (b) the hearing problem is suitable for hearing aids, which is by no means always the case. (I can't use them, for example, due to sound sensitivity.) Then to be optimally effective, there need to be hearing aids in both ears to pinpoint the direction and position of a sound. Otherwise background noise is a major problem.

If the deaf person really can't get on with hearing aids, for whatever reason, the only way forward is for everyone concerned to make the best of things. The coping strategies on this website should be a sound basis for a full and frank discussion.

Here are some of the reasons I have heard for not getting on with hearing aids:

• I need a hearing aid most in social situations where people are eating together, but the hearing aid just amplifies my own crunching, so I still can't understand what is being said.
• My hearing aid seems to amplify my tinnitus more than what people are saying.
• Only one of my ears is suitable for a hearing aid, so even when wearing it, I can't distinguish one conversation from another in background noise.
• My pain threshold is too close to the level of amplification necessary to hear speech clearly.

"He's got normal hearing in one ear which ought to be enough."

As explained on the page about background noise and directional problems no-one with hearing in just one ear can pinpoint the exact position of a source of sound. This means that everyday sounds and conversations interfere with each other when they are occurring together. So there is no way that hearing in just one ear can ever be enough for true normal hearing. This has to be lived with, although some coping strategies are offered on this website.

"She could always learn lip-reading!"

Lipreading classes are fun, and it provides a real lift to meet other people who are experiencing the same problems as oneself. I found the classes of limited practical use though, because in real situations people face away as they talk; speak too quickly or slur their words without properly moving their lips. Also some words look the same on the lips, like 'share' and 'chair'; 'shoot' and 'shoes'; and 'juice and June' because it is the invisible position of the tongue that is making the difference. These are simple examples, which one might possible work out from context, if one was sufficiently quick thinking. However, when it comes to more complex multi-syllable words that look the same like Singapore and Istanbul; it really gets too tough. Although anyone who has lipread from birth may be able to cope, it really would be expecting too much to expect someone who has grown deaf in their later years to become competent.

"He doesn't really count any more because he's so deaf."

It is very sad that people who are deaf all too often give the impression of being stupid because they don't react normally to what is said to them. However being deaf is not at all the same as being stupid. Think for example of the composer Ludwig van Beethoven who became totally deaf at the age of 32 but still continued composing and went on to create his most magnificent works. Arguably he was a genius, but quite ordinary deaf people have a lot to offer, once they and those around them find a way of communicating effectively. So try to communicate with a deaf person: start by reading the page on helping interaction.